His Worst Nightmare
by Helm'sDeep7
Summary: Cullen's dreams haunt him every night, some taunting him with his greatest fears. What happens when one appears to come true? Will it break him again? Rated M for violence and a little bit of loving.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: All characters except my Inquisitor belong to Bioware. I just had this story brewing in my mind for awhile, and I had to write it down. Please read and review and more chapters will be up soon.  
**

* * *

Cold. Heart pounding. Darkness.

A short fall and a soft thud. Then silence.

Ice blue orbs, the color of the glacial drifts of the North, slowly opened wider. Her vision was blurry, unfocused. A shallow thumping of discomfort moved through her skull and she reached up to rub her temples, only to find herself unable to. The world begins to sharpen in focus as she looks down at the vice-like chains binding her aching form to the stone below; and the wary glances of the guards that surrounded her.

However, that wasn't what she was focusing on; instead she could only stare as the unearthly green glow emanated from her palm.

 _Where..? What..?_

A searing pain shot through her body, interrupting her thoughts, and numbing her mind. A yelp of pain erupted from her lips while her body doubled over.

Her eyes watered when the door at the far end of the cold dungeon opened, the brightness of the area beyond overwhelming her senses that were already made fragile by the receding pain. She managed to straighten her posture when she noticed the two figures enter the room. They were silent and circled her like hungry sharks surrounding their meal. Suddenly, she felt hot breath on her neck.

"Tell me why we shouldn't kill you now."

The woman moved into her vision.

"The Conclave is destroyed. Everyone who attended is dead."

The woman's gaze fell onto her, piercing daggers into her soul.

"Except for you."

She just stared at her silently, blue eyes meeting walnut hazel colored ones in a battle of wills. The woman grabbed the faintly glowing hand at her side.

"Explain _this._ "

"I can't."

"What do you mean you _can't_?"

The women began moving around her again.

"I don't know what that is, or how it got there."

"You're lying!"

"I agree with you Seeker Pentaghast." A dark figure remarked coolly from the doorway, his figure broad and imposing in the firelight. "She must be punished; must be made to pay for the lives she has cost us."

 _Why did that voice lift her up only to break her heart? Who was this man, and why did he have this effect on her?_

Heavy footed steps reverberated around the room as he approached, the sounds emboldened by the additional clink of his armor. In the dim firelight, his golden eyes and equally as golden hair appeared to be set aflame themselves. She felt her heartbeat quicken at his nearness, which only led to further confusion in her thoughts. The fur draped around his shoulders added a ferocity to his already intimidating appearance.

"Commander Cullen, I think the world would be far better off if we rid it of this elven nuisance. She makes decision after decision that ultimately would lead us to our doom. Life after life lost…for what? For her pathetic attempts to thwart Corypheus?" Leliana mused, a dark smile on her face.

"We all know that she'll fail."

"Best to kill her now and just be done with it."

* * *

"…Itha?"

She jolted awake, her eyes searching the room in shock. She felt warmth encompassing her and golden eyes staring down at her in concern. Itha Lavellan rubbed her face as the memories flooded back into her conscious mind. Corypheus was dead. The war for all of Thedas was won. She smiled weakly at the man holding her petite frame protectively as they lay in bed. "It was just a nightmare."

Cullen's expression didn't change. "It's never _just_ a nightmare." He stroked his thumb across her caramel colored cheek, and brushed a loose dark brown curl off her slight sweaty forehead. He then sighed at her silence. "If you don't want to talk about it, we don't need to; I just want you to know that you can always tell me about these things. No matter what."

Itha smiled at him again, more convincingly this time. "Oh, ma vhenan…" She took hold of his hand and kissed his palm gently, the rough callouses feeling oddly comforting against the smoothness of her lips. She contemplated briefly before she decided to speak. "It was _that_ dream again. The one where I'm still imprisoned after the Conclave…"

"That's the third time in the last week that you've had that nightmare. There must be something plaguing your thoughts for it to reoccur so often."

"I guess…" Itha sat up a bit on the bed, internally lamenting the fact that she was no longer fully entwined in Cullen's embrace. "…I can't believe it's all over…" She looked down at her lover while he reclined lazily on her comfortable Orlesian bed. The dim sunrise only served to make him look even more like an Adonis in the flesh. He'd been so uneasy to show his body to her, even when they'd first made love. He was ashamed of it; thought she'd turn him away because of the numerous scars that dotted across the hills and valleys of his toned body. She'd made him stand before her when she'd realized why he was so hesitant. She let him see just how much she desired him, and he wasn't so ashamed after that. The sheer relaxation of his posture now brought her happiness. She wanted him comfortable around her, at ease.

"Itha."

"Hmm?"

"You're staring at me."

She felt a warm blush creep up her neck and into her cheeks as she cleared her throat while glancing away. "Can't help it sometimes..." She murmured, unsure if he had heard her. She got her answer by the warm hand on her lower back that rubbed small circles into her skin.

"So you can't believe that you defeated a crazed ancient Tevinter with a God complex? What's so hard to believe about that?" Cullen joked, his earnest chuckle bringing a grin to Itha's face.

"It's the stuff of stories and myths."

"Well now, you are too." Cullen pulled her down and into his arms, placing a soft kiss into her curls. "The Inquisitor was the bravest woman in the history of Thedas. She stared down evil and didn't even blink." He announced in an over-the-top reverent fashion, causing a giggle from the elven woman he loved.

"IF there are stories, they won't be told like _that._ "

"You don't know that for sure. Have you read anything that Varric writes? It's way worse than that."

"Oh, so you _do_ read his books. I thought you were above them considering that they're mostly terribly cheesy romance novels."

The blush that rose to Cullen's face made her giggles turn into laughs. She was soon silenced by a deep kiss from a scruffy cheeked commander. "Kiss me like that again and I won't be able to leave on time for the journey to Crestwood."

"Is that such a bad thing? You're going to be away for how long again? Two weeks?"

"Three actually." Itha sighed and moved away from Cullen. "Josephine has me dealing with trading treaties and keeping the peace or something." She shook her head and stood, stretching her nude form in the early morning sunlight. "I can practically feel your eyes on my bottom, Cullen." She heard soft and slightly flustered muttering behind her as he shifted to the other side of her bed. She bit her lip to suppress a giggle and set about getting dressed in her most comfortable traveling clothes.

* * *

When she finished braiding her hair into a long plait down her back did she take a moment to assess that she had all that she needed.

"You finally get all that hair off your ass, Inquisitor?" Dorian asked rather loudly, chuckling as she glared at him.

"You know she just wants the Commander to get a good final view of what he'll be thinking of on those cold and lonely nights. He needs something to keep hi-Ouch!" Iron Bull scowled and glanced around to see who had thrown the large rock at the back of his head; unfortunately for him, he didn't see Cullen sneaking away with a grin on his face.

"If you two have had enough _fun_ , can we leave now?" Cassandra asked impatiently, mounting her darkly colored Nevarran stallion.

Itha mounted her red hart, rubbing the top of his head affectionately and looked over at Cassandra. "Are you positive that you want to come along? You know it's only going to get worse the farther we get from Skyhold."

"You need to be constantly vigilant, and with those two accompanying you, I worry for your safety. I feel I must stay with you."

Itha shrugged and tapped her mount to begin moving forwards. "Okay, it's your choice. However, I would recommend pitching your tent as far from theirs as you can if you want any sleep."

"What? Why?"

"You'll find out really soon."


	2. Chapter 2

_Ugh._

Itha's body ached from the constant sparring she'd done with Iron Bull the evening before.

 _That was a terrible decision._

She'd just been so tense and irritable after dealing with pompous nobles for the last month. What Josephine had promised would only take a few weeks, had turned into more than a month of constant bickering for petty reasons. This noble felt he was being preyed upon when it came to the drafting of the trading agreements; or this particular middleman didn't believe he was being paid enough to deal with potential threats on his journeys.

It was exhausting and she was so ready to return to Skyhold after being away for so long. She missed her warm bed; her isolation from the unnecessary politics of the world. And most importantly, her armor-clad commander that was constant in his letter writing to her over their time apart. Her blue eyes focused on the path in front of her, viewing her surroundings between the large horns of her trusty steed. She could hear the constant giggles of Dorian behind her as he attempted to console her over a rather explicit incident she had happened upon earlier that morning.

"It couldn't be helped Cassandra, dear."

"You didn't respond when I called. So of course, I investigated. I didn't expect to find you and Iron Bull…behind a tree..." Cassandra upturned her nose.

"It's all a natural thing. Everyone does it."

"Not like _that_! It was…"

Iron Bull interrupted her with a grin. "What? You've never been taken from behind like that?"

A bright red flush spread to Cassandra's cheeks. "I…I…"

"Just stop indulging them Cassandra. It will only get worse." Itha remarked, glancing behind at her party.

"Maker, will the requests to protect spoiled lordlings during their daily activities ever stop? Do they not realize we are the Inquisition? We saved the world from the brink of death, and yet, they ask _this_ of us?" Cullen growled as he crumpled another message and tossed it onto his desk. His amber eyes looked up at Josephine in resignation. "I told you that she didn't need to go to those infernal negotiations. Now everyone wants the presence of the all mighty Inquisitor at their gathering to flaunt their influence."

"Cullen, this was important. These are powerful allies that we need to keep satiated. She won't be going to every party, or every negotiation, just the important ones that can shape the politics we must deal with."

Cullen sighed and rubbed his neck, a habit he had yet to shake, no matter how often he was teased by Lavellan. To be honest, he found her teasing endearing, but he would never tell her that.

"I'm aware of how much you miss her, Cullen, but you know that she has to do this. It's part of her position."

"I know." Cullen looked down at his desk again. "At least she's stopped receiving those proposals…"

"That might have to do with the fact that you rather unceremoniously punched an Orlesian noble to the ground after he made an inappropriate remark about the Inquisitor."

Cullen's fists clenched at the memory. "He should've known better than to say that to her…"

"I don't disagree with the fact that he deserved reprimanding, but just had issues with the…publicity of it." Josephine glanced down at her hands. "But it is neither here nor there, it is done. We have moved on."

The door to his office opened and a hooded Leliana stepped inside.

"What is it?"

"I have just received a raven from Crestwood and was informed that the Inquisitor has managed to complete the negotiations for the trade agreements. She left yesterday morning with her party and should be back within the next week."

"Thank the Maker." Cullen murmured rather loudly, his eyes widening as he realized what he'd done.

The knowing smiles and stifled giggles were enough to make him want to retreat into a hole in order to die there.

"We'll take our leave. You must prepare after all." Josephine chuckled and exited the tower with her fellow advisor.

Cullen shook his head at them but secretly smiled to himself. She was coming home.

The stench of burning flesh filled the air as Itha sent a fireball flying at the Venatori soldier that charged her, knocking him to the ground as he writhed in agony. The fire seeped under his armor and created a vicious cycle of heating up the metal and burning the flesh even more. Itha looked away and took in the battle around her.

They'd been making their way back to Skyhold, and they were only a day or so away, much to their relief. The mountains were growing larger and larger in their view, and the softly rolling landscape that had once surrounded them now gave way to rockier outcroppings and steep ledges leading into ravines carved long ago by the rivers at the very base of them. It was at this time that they'd been ambushed by a large group of fairly angry Venatori soldiers and mages. She'd remained calm in the face of the attack, after all, she'd faced down far worse in her life than some annoying Tevinters. However, when an archer pierced the skull of her hart long after Itha had dismounted did she lose her temper. She watched as her beloved mount dropped lifeless to the ground and felt something inside of her mind switch. With a shriek of anger, she hurled the most powerful lightning bolt she could at the archer and watched as his body nearly exploded from the surge of electricity.

After that point, her entire group fought with a renewed intensity against their attackers; Iron Bull skewering soldiers left and right with his giant dragon bone great axe while Dorian paralyzed them with fear each time he would bring one of their worst nightmares to fruition in their mind's eye. Meanwhile, Cassandra would stun each enemy with a powerful blow to the face with her specially crafted shield that Itha had Harritt make for her for the Seeker's name day.

Itha hurled spell after spell at the attackers while their numbers dwindled around them, littering the area with the scent of death and fire. It wasn't unlike the area surrounding the first dragon they'd fought in the Hinterlands, and the only thing missing at the moment was a number of dragonlings running at them while their mother circled overhead. Her mind was so focused on utterly destroying the men in front of her, that she didn't see the knight charging at her from behind on horseback.

"Inquisitor! Behind you!"

Itha dodged the extended blade but not the extended hand that yanked her from her solid footing on the ground and onto the horse's back. She struggled with the knight, the close quarters making it difficult to do much without harming herself in the process. Attempting to knocking the knight off with her staff failed, and to her horror, the heavy mage's weapon fell from her grasp.

"Lavellan!" Dorian cried and hurled a strong mind blast at the knight from where he stood.

It was at that time that the horse reared back after having his reins sharply tugged by the struggle occurring on his back. The spell smashed into the horse's skull and promptly caused the animal to go mad; it took off, kicking and screaming as it bucked wildly on its course. Itha held on for dear life and found herself unable to jump off the psychotic horse while it raced towards a steep ledge at the other side of the clearing.

"Stop that beast!"

Past the point of no return, the horse realized its predicament and skidded to a halt, bucking both its occupants over the edge of the cliff.

"ITHA!"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Everything except my Inquisitor belongs to Bioware.**

* * *

Sullen faces and downcast eyes lingered amongst the group as they slowly made their way across the drawbridge at the entrance to Skyhold. No one said much, and everyone dreaded the return to this ancient castle since they'd continued their journey to their stronghold not too long before.

* * *

 _Days before…_

It was with shock that they watched their Inquisitor, their friend, tumble over the steep cliff side while locked in a power struggle with the deranged Venatori knight. With a slash of her blade, Cassandra dispatched the final enemy around them before then racing to the edge along with the others. All they could see was blood and the body of the formerly alive knight as he smashed to a halt on a rock edge far below.

Dorian crumpled to his knees and stared at the horse he'd temporarily driven mad as it nickered beside them.

"It's my fault…"

Cassandra was having none of his grief, for her denial switched into high gear as she paced.

"We don't know if that's her blood; for all we know it's just the blood of that knight. You didn't see a body. She may have…teleported or something. She's probably safe somewhere at the bottom, shaking her head at us for taking too long to come grab her."

Iron Bull looked at her solemnly.

"Cassandra…"

"There's no body. She's fine."

"You know she can't teleport."

"SHE'S FINE."

Cassandra ignored the dread in her stomach and mounted her horse. "I'm going to go find her. Then you two will feel perfectly silly for thinking such preposterous thoughts."

They'd searched all night and the next day for her, giving up all hope of finding any trace of her by the river at the base of the cliff. With heavy hearts, they set up camp for the night, lighting a fire and saying nothing to each other as they sat around it. Cassandra excused herself from the group, moving into the shadows for a moment of quiet. She felt the sting of tears in her eyes and fought back the urge to cry, succeeding only barely by beginning the Chant of Light.

" _Hear now, Andraste, daughter of Brona,_

 _Spear-maid of Alamarr, to valiant hearts sing_

 _Of victory waiting, yet to be claimed from_

 _The steel-bond forgers of barren Tevene."_

Cassandra trembled before continuing.

" _Great heroes beyond counting raised_

 _Oak and iron 'gainst chains of north-men_

 _And walked the lonely worm-roads evermore._

 _Might of arm and warmest of heart,_

 _Rendered to dust. Bitter is sorrow,_

 _Ate raw and often, poison that weakens and does not kill."_

She felt a tear roll down her cheek when she spotted something glimmering in the distance. _Itha's staff._ Quickly, she ran to it and felt her heart break. There was blood smeared on its grip. A lot of it. Cassandra sank to her knees and gently took hold of it, cradling it to her chest.

" _Why must the Shield of Alamarr shatter_

' _Neath bond and blade? To the wisest I sang,_

 _To the wing'd cup-bearers of the tall sky-vaulting,_

 _To the wintry halls of strong mountain-kings,_

 _Where in days forgotten, voices there raised_

 _Might be gift'd answer and those seeking find."_

* * *

"Who's going to tell him?" Cassandra asked, her voice barely a whisper while they proceeded through the castle gates.

"I don't know, but we're running out of time to decide." Dorian remarked sadly, his eyes downcast as he clutched Lavellan's staff.

"They're back!"

A crowd began to gather around them, their faces alight with excitement at their return. However, they soon noticed the glum demeanor and lack of Inquisitor with them.

The door to Cullen's office burst open, scaring him from his intense focus on the documents before him. "They've just returned! Can you stop moping about now?" Josephine asked in a somewhat playful tone.

Cullen jumped to his feet and could not help but smile at the news. _She was home. She was finally home._ "It took them damn long enough." He moved past her and down the nearest set of stairs on the battlements by his office. It didn't take long to find the crowd surrounding the group, but he did find it rather odd that they remained much quieter than their usual raucous welcome. He moved people aside and looked for her long chocolate colored braid and eyes that drew him in like a siren.

"Oh Maker, he's here." Cassandra's eyes widened when she noticed Cullen pushing through the crowd with such a hopeful look in his eyes that it broke her heart a thousand times worse.

Cullen took a moment to look around, frowning when he saw neither Itha nor her favorite mount accompanying them. "Where is she? Did she get sidetracked by another Elven artifact again?" He joked quietly, his heartbeat quickening when none of their faces shifted to even pity laughter.

"Where is she?"

"Cullen…she-"

"WHERE IS SHE?"

"The Venatori…we didn't see…" Cassandra's eyes watered, her cool demeanor breaking with each word she spoke.

"Cassandra..?"

"S-she fell…and all we found was this…" Dorian finished what Cassandra could not and slowly offered Cullen the bloodied staff that had belonged to Itha.

"No."

"Cullen…"

"Did you find a body?"

"What?"

"Did you find a body? Clothing? Anything other than this?" His eyes nearly glowed in anger.

"We didn't but-"

"Then we must simply find her."

"Cullen, we searched for days. All we found was that." Iron Bull added, walking over to Cullen quietly. "You know she never goes anywhere without it."

"I don't believe it. I won't believe it." Cullen snatched the staff away and shoved through the crowd with reckless abandon. His heart thudded in his chest with each step back to his tower. She couldn't be gone. She was the Inquisitor. She faced down an insane Tevinter would-be god and survived. He opened the door to his office and slammed it closed behind him, locking it quickly. He needed privacy. He needed to think.

* * *

Hours passed. The once bright afternoon turned to one of the darkest of nights, the moon even staying hidden in its resting place.

"How do you think he's doing?" Leliana asked softly, her red hair falling into her eyes from beneath her hood.

"He locked himself in there and refuses visitors…how do you think?" Josephine sighed and rubbed her face.

"Ache. Agony. It burns."

Cole suddenly appeared beside them.

"Her light is gone. Emptiness surrounds. She is gone."

Leliana looked at the spirit gravely, her face sullen. "I suppose I don't need to ask who that is…"

"The lyrium might help. Might ease the pain. So much pain!"

"Cole…" Josephine held her hand up to stop him.

"Can't stay when she is gone. Nothing without her."

* * *

Cullen gathered his things, his eyes lingering on a wooden box hidden in one of his drawers. Without a second thought, he took hold of it and stuffed it into his bags. He had to get away from here. Away from the memories that now haunted his mind. What once had brought him joy, now only served to plunge dagger after dagger into his heart. Everything about this place was infused with _her._ Her lilting laugh. Her piercing eyes. It overwhelmed him to the point of near insanity.

'How dare you take her away!? How dare you abandon the one woman who sought to do only good in this world!? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!?'

Cullen cursed the Maker then and there, wanting to forsake anything that could do this to him. To her. Illuminated by only the stars above, he saddled his horse in the dead of night and rode off into the mountainous valley below, leaving only a short note on his desk.

 _Without her, my strength has left me. And without said strength, I am nothing but a hindrance to the Inquisition. This is my letter of resignation. I know you will find someone better fit to command than I ever could. I am sorry._

 _X_

 _Cullen_

* * *

The horse moved quickly, each movement matching the rhythm of a wildly beating heart. Muscles strained and eyelids heavy, Itha pushed her horse as hard as she could as they raced back towards Skyhold, towards her family.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hope you like it so far! Everything except my Inquisitor belongs to Bioware.**

* * *

Mounting the horse that morning had been a difficult task, for Itha's body still ached from her tussle and ensuing fall. She'd been lucky, so lucky that she not only thanked the elven gods, but also the Maker for her survival.

It had been by chance that she'd gripped a stray branch on her way down and stopped her descent momentarily. Her arms had been burning from the effort but she had slowly continued to climb her way down the cliff face, using rogue bushes and rocks to ease her passage. When she'd been faced with a rocky slope, she decided to attempt a descent with her staff as support. That had been an unwise decision, as the rocks gave way beneath her and knocked her down the rest of the way. In her blind reach for stability, she'd had her hand smashed and her staff knocked from her. Luckily, the descent to the base of the ravine was short, and by the end of her fall, she had a concussion along with a twisted ankle to accompany her injured hand.

The world had gone black for her then, sending her to dwell in the Fade for the moment. She woke up some time later in a rather tiny cabin, being watched by curious eyes belonging to an elven farmer and his wife.

"Miss?"

Itha attempted to sit up but was deftly eased back into a resting position by the kind hands of the farmer's wife.

"You took a pretty nasty tumble, miss. Got yerself nice and banged up." The farmer moved to stoke the nearby fire as he spoke. "Yer lucky that my wife worked as a healer during the Blight, or else you might have lost the use of yer hand."

Itha looked down at her hand as she wiggled her fingers to check for any sign of injury, finding only a dull sense of pain in her knuckles and in her head if she moved too fast. "I thank you for your generosity, but how long have I been asleep?"

"A few days. You smacked yer head pretty hard. Wasn't sure if you'd make it for a little while."

"Did you by chance, see a staff anywhere? A magical one?"

"No, but we did see some strange looking folks traveling through a few days back."

"Did one of them have a large set of horns?"

"Oh, did you know them, miss? We weren't sure if we should say nothing. After all, we elves need to stick together in this world. For all we knew, they could've been hunting ya." He gestured to her slightly glowing hand. "Yer the Inquisitor, ain't ya?"

Itha nodded.

"I told you that weren't no normal magic, Starla."

Itha stiffly rubbed her face and sighed, closing her eyes.

' _Oh Creators. They probably think I'm dead.'_

* * *

Itha made a mental note to send a large reward to the couple as they loaned her a horse and sent her on her way that morning. The Creators had smiled on her again, for at least she wasn't far from Skyhold. She ignored the painful aches that served as reminders of her injuries and continued to spur her horse on. She just hoped she hadn't been gone for too long.

* * *

Cullen stared out onto the lake, his pitched tent whistling in the wind. His reddened eyes were dried out from the constant tears that had been streaming down his face all day.

 _She was gone._

He wished he'd had said something more to her the day she'd left; told her how much he loved her. Now he would never get that chance again. Never feel her body enclosed in his embrace. Never see her smile. The world was darker place without her, and he felt that void grow larger and larger inside his heart.

* * *

The horse breathed heavily, having only stopped once to rest on the journey back to Skyhold. It panted loudly as it sluggishly plodded towards the gates of the mountain stronghold. Itha rested weakly on its back, the energy she'd used to spur the horse on nearly gone.

"Stop! Announce yourself!"

Itha looked up at the few archers that dotted the battlements, coming to inspect the lone rider approaching their walls.

"Announce yourself or we fire!"

In response, Itha held up her hand, the eerie green glow of the mark illuminating the area around her in the early dawn of the day.

"It's her! The Inquisitor! She's alive!"

The gates opened hastily, allowing entrance to the exhausted horse and its rider. The guards gathered around, swarming her with shouts of joy and celebration. It was at this moment that she slid off her horse in fatigue, but was caught by a beefy pair of arms belonging to a horned giant of a man.

"I'll be damned."

Itha's world went black again and she slipped into much needed sleep.

Iron Bull began carrying her through the crowd, her small form made to appear even smaller in comparison to the former Qunari mercenary. Step after step, he climbed the stairs into the main hall, meeting a shocked set of advisors along the way. Josephine even began to cry tears of joy at the sight, but Leliana's face only darkened. She beckoned some of her best agents close, commanding them to aid in the hunt for the Lion of the Inquisition that had begun the day prior.

A loud clattering of plates awoke her many hours later, a sound that was soon followed by curses so colorful, it'd make Dorian blush. Itha's eyes shot open and she sat up in a familiar room, looking around at the tired faces of all her companions, excluding Sera; she knelt by the side table and collected the array of dishes she'd knocked over moments earlier.

"ITHY WITHY!" Sera launched herself at her friend in excitement, knocking her flat onto the bed with a surprisingly strong hug.

"I'm okay, Sera. However, I won't be for long if you keep mushing me." With a chuckle, the elvish rogue released her, allowing the others to have their own time to welcome back their friend.

Iron Bull clapped her on the back and commended her toughness.

Dorian made a not so subtle double entendre before pointing out that they'd recovered her staff. Her face lit up with delight as the Tevinter mage handed over her most prized weapon. Her fingers smoothed along the runes embedded within and she hugged Dorian again. "Thank you."

"It wasn't I who found it, it was Cassandra."

Itha looked over at her trusted friend and smiled warmly at her.

"I should have looked harder, I should have known that you would have survived the fall with ease." Cassandra's eyes were downcast, avoiding the Inquisitor's gaze.

"Cassandra, by all accounts, I shouldn't have. In the end, it all came down to luck…" Itha trailed off, looking around the room. "Where's Cullen? Why isn't he here?"

"About that…" Leliana stepped towards the bed, holding what appeared to be a letter in her hands.

"What is it, Leliana?"

"He wrote this and stole away in the dead of night." Leliana handed her the letter, watching the elven woman's face twist into one of sorrow as she read. Her eyes didn't leave the paper. "When?"

"Yesterday, before dawn I believe."

"Damn it…you couldn't have waited one more day..?" Itha murmured more to herself than to anyone else.

"I have my agents out tracking him, but he's proving more difficult to find than I would have thought."

Itha paused as she reread the letter again, her free hand moving to thumb the lucky coin he'd given her all that time ago. "Get me a fresh horse."

"You just got back, Inquisitor. You shouldn't be journeying out again so soon after what you've been through."

"Cullen is out there on his own, believing me to be dead. I _have_ to get to him before he does something reckless…something that could hurt him." Itha looked around at everyone in the room with a pleading expression. "I have my staff back now, and I'll go in full armor if I have to, just please, let me do this."

* * *

Cullen hurled a large stone into the lake, watching as the serenity of the water's surface was interrupted by the intrusion of the heavy rock. _Like his life now._ He'd finally allowed himself some peace, some happiness, and look where that got him. He was empty. He'd had enough.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Last chapter! Has some explicit content so this is your warning. Hope you enjoy the ending of this story!**

* * *

The sounds of thundering hoof beats filled her ears as the landscape passed quickly by her over the course of the last few hours. She whispered words of encouragement in Elvish to the horse she rode, coaxing him to move as fast as he could, for he would be rewarded handsomely with all the carrots and apples he could consume.

* * *

Itha's advisors had begrudgingly acquiesced to her journey when she proved herself able to fend off Iron Bull's attacks with her staff. If she could hold him off, she was capable of fighting off almost anything.

"I think you often forget that I did some mercenary work for a time." Itha remarked, turning to look at her friends. Their faces were concerned, but solemn in acceptance of her decision. She hugged each one of them tightly before she left that morning, promising that she'd be safe and return with their beloved commander.

* * *

Leliana had watched Itha's small figure disappear into the valley below on horseback before turning to one of the women beside her. "Wait until midday to give her time, but then track her. I want to know where she is at all times." The scout nodded to her and glanced at the raven on her shoulder. "I will direct Pietro here back with information as often as I can. He'll be able to find me with no issue when you send him back to me." The raven seemed to bob in agreement. The spymaster looked between them and nodded.

* * *

She'd stopped once to allow her horse some food and water, pacing anxiously while she waited for him to finish. The sunny day had quickly given way to a rose-colored evening, the passage of time now evident before her. Itha's heart raced with each passing minute. 'Please be here…' She murmured as the lake in the distance grew larger in her view.

She reached the edge of the water and hopped off her steed, looking around warily for any signs of the former Templar. She felt her heart start to crumble when she spotted nothing to point her towards her lover's location. 'Cullen...' She dropped to her knees in despair, taking one last look around the distant shoreline of the lake when suddenly, something dimly began flickering at the other end of the lake: firelight. She jogged back to her mount and hopped on deftly, urging him towards the distant sign of life.

* * *

Cullen stared into the fire, glumly handling the small wooden box in his lap.

 _'Just this once. I need it. It'll numb the pain'._

A horse's whinny distracted him from his thoughts, making him set down the lyrium filled container and reach for his sword. Before he pulled it from its sheath, he hesitated, his mind wandering down a dark path he'd thought of during his time here.

 _'Is it really so bad? One quick strike, and it's over. The pain is gone for good… I'll see her again.'_

"…Cullen..?" A voice called, one filled with trepidation and something close to hope.

"No…" He murmured, his eyes downcast and his hands curling into fists. "It found me again. It's here to torture me with her voice."

"Cullen please…is that you..?"

"Cursed demon, leave me be." Cullen glanced at the sword on the ground at his side, and the armor he'd cast off earlier that day. He wasn't a commander anymore, he was just a broken man. He didn't deserve to wear anything more than a common farmer.

* * *

Itha approached the fire slowly, her eyes filling with tears at the sight of him. He was alive. He was okay. He was…ignoring her. She was only mere feet from him now, and she reached out to touch his shoulder. He recoiled from her touch and turned to look at her with such hatred that it pierced through her soul.

"LEAVE ME, DEMON."

' _Oh Creators, he thinks I'm not here.'_ Itha's face fell. "Cullen, I'm here. I'm not dead."

"Stop it. You're not going to torment me again. Not with _her."_

' _He sounds so heartbroken…'_ A tear rolled down her cheek when she knelt beside him, putting a gentle hand onto his cheek. He didn't recoil this time.

"Why are you here? How did you find me after all this time? Is it my comeuppance for my past crimes, or for allowing myself happiness in this forsaken world...?"

"Cullen, please, look at me. I'm no desire demon."

"You sound just like her. Maker, you even smell like her: elfroot and berries."

Itha was fully crying now at the man before her, looking so gaunt and tired that he could have been dying of Blight sickness if he were seen by any passerby.

"You torment me more with your illusion of her tears. You know how badly I wish to hold her in my arms again, to comfort her, to cherish her…how do you know this, demon?" Cullen's voice broke hoarsely into a whisper.

Itha looked up in desperation, trying to think of how she could convince him of her existence. The disturbance of water nearby led her thoughts back to the time they'd been here last; the time when he'd wanted her to have all the luck he could offer. She pulled off her bag and the jacket keeping the night's cold away. Reaching into her front pocket, she removed the lucky coin from its location by her heart, placing the warm metal into Cullen's hand with a pleading look. "Ma vhenan, it's me…"

* * *

Cullen stared down at coin in his hand, his thumb moving slowly over its etchings while his eyes followed. How could a demon have replicated this? They didn't deal in physical props for convincing. Heart beating loudly in his chest, his eyes shot up to her teary blue ones. He closed his fist around the coin and used his free hand to gently touch her cheek. "Maker's breath, how is this possible..? Is it you, truly?"

"I promised you that I'd come back to you always…"

Cullen set the coin onto the ground beside them and crashed his lips into hers, the scent of elfroot filling his nostrils. He kissed her feverishly, and she responded in kind. He knew for sure it was her then, for no one else had kissed him the same way.

Itha wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled herself closer to him, her tears finally slowing. Her fingers found their way into his golden curls while his hands moved to rest on her hips. A growing need formed in their bellies, one that burned from within and was further stoked by their increasingly intense kiss. Before she knew it, Cullen had stripped her armor away, leaving her in a simple tunic and pants similar in style to his.

"Maker, I can't believe you're here…" Cullen lips found their way to her neck, leaving a hot trail of sensations as they travelled down towards her collarbone. She found her way into his lap and slid her hands up his shirt, fingers trailing along each muscle she found. With a sigh, she lifted it over his head and tossed it to the ground.

"Cullen, I was so worried…" Itha pulled his face up to hers and kissed him deeply. He removed her shirt with ease and tugged her breast band down to her waist. His lips trailed down her neck once more and onto her right breast, taking her nipple into his mouth while his hands worked on her other breast. She moaned softly in enjoyment and ground her hips into him. The growing hardness she could feel pressing into her thigh only further added to her excitement. "Cullen, I need you."

Cullen moved his mouth to her other breast as his hands began yanking down both her pants and undergarments. She moved herself against the bulge in his pants, grinding her most sensitive area against his; this elicited a guttural growl from him. His eyes found hers, both of them filled with desire and longing. He quickly rolled them over and finished undressing himself while she watched. He climbed on top of her and rubbed her where she needed him to, drinking in her cries as he kissed her deeply. Pulling away his hand, he looked into her eyes while he slid into her.

Golden eyes met icy blue ones; fire and ice coming together in heated passion. Itha dug her nails into his shoulders as she met thrust after thrust, cries leaving her lips each time he filled her completely. She became completely undone when she felt his finger stroke her exactly where the pressure was becoming unbearable.

"CULLEN!"

Waves of pleasure coursed through her body, her mind reeling with the sensations. She wrapped her legs tightly around his waist, feeling his muscles tense up beneath her touch. He grabbed her chin and kissed her firmly, his motions suddenly stilling as he spilled himself into her. Collapsing partially onto her, he rested his forehead against hers, his eyes closed for a moment. "It's really you, you survived the odds…again."

Itha smiled at him and stroked his bearded cheek. "Of course I did, I have luck on my side thanks to you…"

Cullen kissed her again. "I love you so much."

"I love you too."

Cullen gazed down at her tenderly and moved off of her.

"What are you- Oh!"

Cullen lifted her into his arms and carried her into his tent nearby, making love to her again for the rest of the evening.

He awoke the next morning, feeling her warmth against his side. He cradled her small form in his arms and smiled. She'd made it back to him. She'd made it home.

* * *

Leliana's lips quirked into a smile as she read the report from her scout.

 _Tracked the Inquisitor to a lake near Honnleath. It appears that Commander Cullen had sought refuge there for the time being, and was found alive by her. By the state of the clothes scattered outside of the tent, I imagine their reunion was rather joyous. They don't appear to be preparing to leave anytime soon, so I'm returning to Skyhold unless otherwise instructed by you._

"Well?" Josephine asked, her eyes wide and staring.

"Oh, they're more than fine. I'd even go as far to say that we should perhaps, give them some time to…celebrate…"

Josephine giggled. "Very well, but there's a party to plan for her return."

"Let's give them a week."


End file.
